Washington, the man credited with being the "Father of our Country", has
fathered not a single child. Alas it is less known and not at all ironic the
fact that George Washington's wooden teeth had had more sexual relations than
the nation's first president himself. It is from the teeth's raucous rampages
that the sexual euphemism "wood" comes from. With an ingrained mastery of
flirtation the teeth kindled the passions of women like a dry log in the
The teeth could be credited with being the most liberal lovers of their time and
age. The race of the opposite sex played no role in their choosing of a nightly
suitor. Nor did other such trivial factors come into play. The teeth cared not
if their sex partner (or partners) for the night was white or black or oriental
or eskimo. Nor did they care if they were young or old, dead or living. In fact,
the only thing that mattered to the teeth was a hole. If something didn't have a
hole the teeth wouldn't touch it. However, if something was in fact endowed with
an orifice, or better yet, multiple orifices, it was quite frankly "fair game".
The teeth were expert seducers. Within minutes they'd have females laying
prostrate on the floor all set to make love to the piney dentures. Obviously
this was much more easier to do with dead women but embalming fluid has not been
invented yet and the rapid decomposition of tissues had ruined many an orgy.
It must be mentioned here that the teeth were the pioneers of pickup lines.
They've thought up such classics as "Baby, can I nibble on your clit?" and "Have
you ever been fucked by some molars before?" They spoke such lines in a variety
of languages such as English, Spanish, Italian, and that everlasting language of
love - Chinese. The teeth were also quite erudite in the tongues of long lost
civilizations. They were fluent in the speech of the Ancient Greeks, the
Azteks, the Atlanteans, and the Smurfs. Knowledge of the latter was especially
useful to the teeth during their wooing of that famed blue skinned lilliputian,
The teeth were suave, educated, and also kind. Especially to the handicapped. In
one very well documented occurence, the teeth engaged in a love affair with a
blind woman named Betsy. Betsy was blind in both eyes, the result of a wild
grizzly "penising" her eyes. For a good part of her life Betsy had lived with
glass spheres for eyes as a result of this gruesome incident. None the less, the
teeth proceeded to seduce her, remove her glass eyes, and fuck her in her eye
sockets. Betsy told all in her memoirs "Bear Fucked Betsy, or How I Learned To
Stop Worrying And Got Fucked In My Eye Holes".
Forbidden love was also known to the teeth who had their own "monkey on a
chain". This "monkey on a chain" was a three titted male chimpanzee that the
teeth kept around for those rare nights when love did not approach their
bicuspid selves. They would do... unmentionable things to that simian. Still, it
was all done out of love. And desperation. Also, lots of lube was used.
However, the teeth's sexual flame began to wither away in their later years.
Towards the end of the teeth's long and sticky life even the deceased refused
their advances. It was from such unfortunate but common occurrences that the
phrase "turning over in one's grave" comes from. 'Twas a sad end for the teeth's
Still, their legacy lives on. The teeth will always be remembered. Matters it
not if all records and memories of them will slowly degrade and disappear for
the teeth will live on in a different kind of memory. Genetic memory. For you
see, George Washington's wooden teeth were directly responsible for the birth of
over half this country's inhabitants. Most American families can trace their
ancestry to those wooden dentures, those harbingers of hedonism, those true
fathers of our country, those teeth.